Every Murderous Road Race Movie Ever is a upcoming 2017 multinational spoof comedy film produced, written, and directed by Robert Stainton and starring Marko Kalfa. The film takes place in a dystopian international society in the year Googol, where the murderous Super Duper Pooper Scooper Murderous Death Destruction and Some Third Thing Race has become a form of worldwide entertainment.
It is a spoof of the Death Race films. Filming is being done in various locations across the world.
In the year Google, Comet Petrol Enduced National and International Super-Duper Death Destruction Meteorite Thing has impacted Earth, and transformed into a rock being called "Coogla-Flooga" (played by Jake Sanford) who has taken over the multiverse. His empire, the Coogla-Flooga Rock Being Empire has organized the Super Duper Pooper Scooper Murderous Death Destruction and Some Third Thing Race, where a group of drivers is driving across the world in their high-powered vehicles, infamous for lots of violence, gore, and innocent pedestrians getting sent to the emergency room for bonus points.
Five of the "19 thousand googleplex" drivers in the 69th annual race, who all adhere to professional wrestling-style personas and drive appropriately themed cars, include Hellbent, a devil being wearing a purple tuxedo and a national hero; Jihad Jerry, a Iranian musician who has a message meaning "the enemy is not the Muslim, the Christian, or the Jew, but stupidity itself"; Harmony Howlette, an anthro coyote cowgirl; Terra, a Jersey-accented anthro polar bear with a shaved face; Moon Man, a superstar of the alt-right on the internet; and Joel, a regular guy. Each drives with a navigator of the opposite sex, who also implicitly functions as a single-purpose sex object. The race is covered on TV around the multiverse by a bumbling news team reported to have very low IQ's.
The film focuses about one of the racers, Unicorn Dave, a man wearing girly clothing and a unicorn head mask, who is trying to win the race by killing so many things it's not funny.
- Marko Kalfa as Dave "Unicorn Dave" Arnolds
- Jake Sanford as Mark "Clopper" Benson
- TBA as Hellbent (credited with "Hellbent as Himself, Courtesy Planet Dolan")
- TBA as Pandora (credited with "Pandora as Herself, Courtesy Planet Dolan")
- Gerald Casale as Jihad Jerry (credited with "Jihad Jerry as Himself")
- Jeff Dunham as Achmed the Dead Terrorist
- Didi Conn as Harmony Howlette (body)
- Kristian Michaels as Terra CherryBomb (body and voice)
- Crystal Stainton as Clarice (body, voice provided by Kristian)
- Doug Jones as Macolm "Moon Man" Tonight (body, voice provided by the AT&T Mike TTS voice)
- Robert Remus as Leeroy "Sun Man" Washington (body, voice provided by the AT&T Rich TTS voice)
- 50 Cent as Joel Michaelson
- Robert Remus as Sgt. Slaughter
- Francesca Ciardi as Tammy "The Mad Granny" Smith
- Robert Stainton as Tammy's Son
- Dennis Anderson as himself
- Adam Anderson as himself
- Gary Porter as himself
- Hulk Hogan as Bucky "Idiot" Daves
- Crystal Stainton as Slutty "Firehead" Jones
- Aleisha Allen as Bitchy "Icehead" Jones
The cars in the film are vehicles that have been heavily modified with armor plating, machine guns and defensive weapons, or ones that have not been modified:
- The UniCar - A Lykan HyperSport armed with pie launchers, PerTronix D7160710 flamethrowers, 4 M1 Bazookas, and 78 feet of purple, pink, and white LED lighting, as well as a GNExL2 PA Loudspeaker for dissing other racers, an ejector seat for the navigator, a NOS system to provide additional speed and a TV hooked up to DirecTV, Dish, Shaw Direct, and Bell dishes in the back of the car, "so I can watch LAPD: Life on the Beat while I kill people."
- Hell-on-Wheels - A EMD GP35 locomotive modified to run on roads. Powered by a Hemi Cummins engine with 17 smoke stacks along the sides of the locomotive as the exhaust, armed with bazookas shooting copies of I Am Malala. Originally a heavily modified Peterbilt 375 made to look like an EMD GP35 built for the production of the film Inception.
- 1976 Reliant Kitten DL - Jihad Jerry's car armed with 4 hood-mounted AK-47's powered by air valves, 2 side-mounted cannons shooting copies of the Quran and M2 Bazookas mounted on the roof and is mounted with 10 foot tall Tundra tires lightweighted with hydra barriers to increase the size of the car.
- 2016 BYD Tang - Terra's car armed with AK-47's shooting nail polish balls, M2 Bazookas shooting straight-jackets with GPS devices embedded into them, oil slick shooters for self-defense, and a laser beam mounted on the dash.
- 1959 Hongqi CA72 - Moon Man's "motorcar", painted white with a replica of his head mounted on the grill, with pop-out bazookas to blow up and kill people who aren't white.
- 2010 Peel P50 - Joel's car, unarmed, but is bigger on the inside, and modified with reverse gear.
- 1919 Ford Model T Coupe rat rod - Driven by The Mad Granny, a 1919 Ford Model T Coupe from a junkyard rebuilt with a lower-stance and a Rolls-Royce RB211 airplane engine powering it. Chesley Sullenberger, the captain of US Airways Flight 1549, drives it for shots outside of interior shots.
- Grave Digger #32 - A monster truck, with a 1,450 hp 540 cubic inch Merlin engine, with 66 inch BKT tires. Outfitted with a second seat for interior shots in the film.
- Carolina Crusher - A monster truck, with a 1,450 hp cubic inch engine, with 66 inch BKT tires. Outfitted with a second seat for interior shots in the film.
- 1969 Probe 16 - Driven by the Jones sisters, armed with lava and frost shooters and a oil slick shooter for self-defense.