... and some other fuckers...

"When I was a kid, my dad's New York home was a Sears "Westly" Catalog Home or whatever the fuck that means, with some sort of prefabricated house called a "Venturo" replacing the whole front of it on the south end of a dirt road, and all of our neighbors were assholes. My dad used to have a Iberian lynx called "Maxie", named for some doll from the 80's my deceased sister Adrienne loved, who was this small lynx who often meowed and was tame except for when my dad threw KFC in the general direction of her front paws, and she was a gift from Alina's mom and dad. One day, it was scorching hot outside, so we left Maxie with a whopping, six pound bucket, of water, while we went out to pick up some PrimeStar equipment from the local Cablevision office. When we came back, all the water was gone, and Maxie was dead. What happened was that the people next door were scared that Maxie was gonna attack them because she looked mean, so they put anti-freeze in the water while she was not noticing. It would taste kinda sweet, but why don't you drink it all before you realize the horrible error you made and died on the scene. My family could never prove they did it because the water was all gone. Our neighbors were arrested by the cops for animal abuse, and we decided to BURN DOWN THEIR HOUSE WITH FIREWORKS, but luckily the neighbors didn't notice. Later on, all the houses in our neighborhood, including my dad's old New York home, were demolished to make way for more parking for the Great Escape theme park." - Crystal Stainton

"So this is a few years ago, and I was only a young, 20-year old girl with a 3 week-old white leghorn hen (she died and my dad and Jake got Crystal Jr. to replace her.) I'm preparing for Midwest FurFest, dressing up as Chrissie the Chicken, all nice and fluffy, with my full-body sweatsuit, and just as I'm putting on my convention badge, the Emergency Alert System goes off on my TV. Some addict in a center in Crest Hill decided to break out of rehab, kill a security guard, bring a nurse as hostage and then stab her multiple times and then he was hiding out a few blocks from my house. Needless to say, the doors were locked, and I ended up having to call my friend, who drove a heavily armored Hummer H1, to pick me up and bring me to the convention." - Crystal Stainton (again)

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